The quote below is from Rick Santorum, who is “surging” in the latest polls in Iowa, largely as a result of frustrated evangelical voters who have worn out their bibles praying for someone to emerge for whom they can vote in good conscience. Bachman is a bit too Joan-of-Arc crazy, Perry is a poser in Tony Lamas and has been exposed as a crook and not a savior, Cain is lying in the sun somewhere in the Virgin Islands trying to explain how he didn’t have a sexual relationship with Ginger White to his wife and Newt is in the church basement again after Saturday night mass explaining how his love for his country drove him to adultery but that he’s a changed man now because of Calista, his former mistress. And Romney’s a mormon; he might as well be from Alpha Centauri.
“One of the things I will talk about, that no president has talked about before, is I think the dangers of contraception in this country. It’s not okay. It’s a license to do things in a sexual realm that is counter to how things are supposed to be. [Sex] is supposed to be within marriage. It’s supposed to be for purposes that are yes, conjugal…but also procreative. That’s the perfect way that a sexual union should happen…This is special and it needs to be seen as special.” Rick Santorum
Whew…I’m relieved Herr Santorum is on the case because I swear fornicators are going to be the ruin of this great country. Rick is using his pre-Second Vatican Council denial of the modern world – his 19th century ideas about sex, his old testament ideas about foreign policy, his home schooling of his seven kids – and turning from a Jon Huntsman-like also ran into a red hot contender and that tells me all I need to know about the relevance of the Iowa caucuses to anything approaching day to day reality in my world.
Here’s a brief news flash for Rick and any other republican with Taliban-like ideas about sex in general and women in particular; significant numbers of the population are gay, period. Talk to Marcus Bachman about it; that genie is out of the bottle and no amount of praying or hoping they go away is going to change that. Moreover, they like being gay. I know you probably think that in their heart of hearts, deep down inside they are praying for god to flip a switch and get them back on the straight and narrow but they’re not, Rick. Really.
And in case you missed the whole 60’s thing, people now have sex for fun…for FUN, Rick! They do it because it feels good, not because god told them it was time to do their chores and have more children for his glory. Perhaps you prefer to have each ejaculation result in a little fertilized egg-thing but that’s not normal. Oh, and rape is real. I know you probably think it’s the woman’s fault for wearing sexy clothes and cavorting around like she’s on I Dream of Jeannie but mostly it’s because a lot of men are assholes and bed wetters and torture kittens in the back yard and Rick, women don’t want to have babies from that particular ejaculation, so they take a pill or in extreme cases, have an abortion. Which is legal, by the way – I know you’d prefer it not be but it is. And that is one good reason you have absolutely no chance to win a nationwide election, at least in this country, in this century. You couldn’t win even in a country where it’s common practice to bury a misbehaving woman up to her neck and stoning her to death.
Ironically, you probably have some surprising people rooting for you. Mitt Romney is one. Mitt is an empty suit but he isn’t stupid. I’m sure Mitt would be quite comfortable having you be his main competition heading into the spring, as he recognizes your neurotic delusions for what they are; a guarantee of victory for him at the convention. Moreover, Mitt’s not the only one.
Leading up to the election in 1991, there were three candidates running nationally instead of two. George HW Bush was the northeastern Rockefeller republican who had alienated a significant portion of the republicans by raising taxes and independents for lots of reasons, giving them cause to look for someone else to support. The democrats ran Bill Clinton, a relative unknown southern governor who was saddled with the traditional brickbats the democrats have to dodge – soft on defense, tax & spend, socialist lover of homosexuals, blah, blah, blah. But the lack of enthusiasm for an incumbent president drove the disaffected into the arms of Ross Perot, who ran a campaign largely based on not being either one of the other two. And that seemed to be enough – he bled off enough votes so that Clinton won with 43%.
Now picture a Rick Santorum on the evangelical end of the spectrum or an uninspiring Mitt Romney, who causes tea party true believers to run away with their fingers in their ears, winning the nomination while Ron Paul, with his deep well of support and very well oiled organization, is left sitting on the sidelines. He runs as a third party candidate and drains off a significant portion of the republican small government, anti-tax but socially moderate vote, doing more damage to the republican nominee than Obama and you have a scenario where Obama can win with his current level of support – around 45%.
Romney’s old guard party support essentially guarantees him the nomination absent his pissing all over himself somehow between now and March. But a vigorously churning undercard will keep the support from coalescing and insure Mitt is weak as a fawn going into the summer. Enter Ron Paul – or even a clownish Donald Trump – sensing weakness and seizing the opportunity. For the 76 year old Paul, it may very well be a noble quest to push his ideas further into the mainstream. For Trump it’s nothing like that; it’s simply his whorish need to be the center of attention so he can sell some time shares. Whichever it is, it will be exactly what Obama needs - so thanks Rick, and thanks, Iowa…
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