It’s official. The republican party has given up on the quartet of knuckleheads currently running for the presidency and is pinning its hopes on an open convention in Tampa in August. Why do I think that, you may ask? Well there are any number of reasons, ranging from the wide spread dissatisfaction with the former presumptive nominee, Mitt “Spit the bit” Romney to the sudden rise in the national polls of clearly unelectable religious fanatic, Rick “The Saint” Santorum. There are now loud whispers about an open convention and names are bubbling to the surface as potential saviors like the bloated bodies from a month old shipwreck.
Speaking of which, noted train wreck Sarah Palin has emerged from semi-seclusion and, while excoriating Obama in a blast of typically incoherent gibberish, coyly dropped hints that she “is available” and “not ruling it out” when asked – again - if she was still interested in political office. This could be interpreted as a sign of the apocalypse but since we’re trying to keep this a secular affair, let’s characterize it as something only slightly less ominous – confirmation of the likelihood of a republican convention in hot and humid Tampa this summer so thick with sweaty and deranged freaks, cartoon characters speaking in tongues, and corporate bag men it will remind terrified viewers of a grisly and feverish dream one might have after bingeing for a weekend on vodka, potato chips and peanut M&M’s.
The news today was once again overflowing with positive economic indicators and as anecdotal evidence I offer this; a long time friend of mine who owns a marina near Fort Lauderdale, Florida has swarms of pleasure boats descending on him this year already when two years ago he was half empty all summer and near given up for dead. Yes sir, as surely as tomorrow is the day after today, the economy has finally turned a corner and is gearing up for a sustained surge of momentum which, if carried through the summer, all but dooms the tattered remnants of John Boner’s tea party army to an afterthought and tosses it into that special corner of irrelevance and ignominy reserved for the Edsel, New Coke, men’s platform shoes and fashionably blatant cocaine paraphernalia.
The hideous weeping and obscenity laced and bitter tirades emanating from Capitol Hill are enough to disturb whales migrating up the East Coast. Give it another couple of months and the finger pointing and blame distribution will be in full flower along with the cherry trees along the Potomac. And the thought of having fucked up a chance to grab the White House and insure a republican majority in both houses has clearly driven the architects of treasonous obstructionism as a lifestyle to the edge of madness. Today Bitch McConnell – in a desperate fit of pique worthy of a 7th grader – has proposed that any employer be able to decide to not offer insurance to cover anything with which they have some kind of issue based on their deeply held convictions. Right - like he has any that aren’t out front with a “For Sale” sign on them.
They have hitched their wagon behind the donkey-like hierarchy of the catholic church and it’s idiot-savant presidential candidate, Rick Santorum, thinking there has got to be some traction to be gained by furiously harrumphing and posturing over the alleged “war on religion” being waged by their most hated Baptist, Barack Obama. While the original pronouncement handed down by Ms Sibelious was heavy handed bureaucrat arrogance and typically tone-deaf, the amended position announced subsequently has satisfied all but the most Vatican-ized of the flock and really is no longer an issue.
If these pompous and ignorant men want to pontificate on issues of women’s health and figure that’s going to be a winner for them, I hope they stick to that strategy right up until the ship is upside-down and heading for the bottom. While Santorum is in the upstairs bathroom with the new Cosmo, millions of women who might otherwise agree with some of the more sensible parts of a traditional republican platform are going to go into the voting booth and pull Obama’s lever – so to speak – and will practically guarantee him a second term.
So I personally am hoping for an open convention in August replete with hair-on-fire speeches about Armageddon and all manner of an impending Sodom & Gomorrah-style disaster if Obama is re-elected. Floor speeches by the likes of Palin and Christine O’Donnell and Sharon Angel mixed in with red-faced torrents of hyperbole – maybe throw in some Glen Beck and Rush Blowhard, mix in a few old line fascists like Henry Kissinger, Cheney and Rumsfeld – all overseen by the chubby little devil, Karl Rove, would make for fascinating theater. It would be like that time I ate the bad clams only with less vomiting…
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