I didn't start out expecting to only write about politics; my intention was to write about things that are funny, mostly. But for the last few days typically superficial and cliché ridden political types cross with the unrelenting scrutiny resulting from the new media world we inhabit and hilarity ensues spontaneously and without warning, overwhelming my desire to write about how it pisses me off to stand in line at a cash register while a little old lady takes five minutes to fish exact change out of her cute little change pouch or how beautiful the Stanford Plateau is in the late afternoon light or how a visit to my urologist cracks me up or how much I love mangoes. No, I can’t stop thinking about Newt Gingrich, Anthony Weiner, Ann Coulter and Michelle Bachman. Wow…just seeing all their names together in one sentence boggles the mind.
Poor Newt has been attempting to replicate the success of John Kusich in going from Faux News talking pin-head to actually governing – in Kusich’s case, union busting in Ohio – but suddenly finds himself standing there all alone after virtually his entire re-election campaign staff quit en masse today. Now it’s not terribly unusual for staffers to come and go – that’s to be expected. But while Newt and Mrs. Newt were off cruising the Greek islands, his staff quietly decided he wasn’t serious enough about running a competent presidential campaign and dropped him like a bad habit. Not the most promising of developments for someone who thinks he’s the smartest guy in the party, is a bit of a loose cannon in terms of Elephant orthodoxy and basically talks too much any time there’s a camera within a hundred yards. He, of course, insists that he will simply start fresh tomorrow and will continue to run an “issues-oriented” campaign. Uh…yeah…sure, Newt.
What can you say about Anthony Weiner that hasn’t already been said? The guy was stupid enough and horny enough to Tweet his junk all over the internet, then say it wasn’t his, then admit that he made some serious mis-judgments, (Geez, Tony…ya think…?), then admit that his wife is pregers while his cyber-mistress flogs her 15 minutes of fame like a drunken muleskinner. You couldn’t make that kind of story up. The poor demented bastard is refusing to resign and is hoping against all odds that a spaceship lands on the Washington Mall to take a little attention away from him but he is so screwed and irrelevent that he isn’t even top ten on Yahoo’s most searched list. Abe frickin’ Vigoda is on the list but Representative Lookatmydick isn’t on there. He doesn’t have to worry about keeping his head down – he is utterly irrelevant and if he didn’t have a vote in the House of Representatives he’d be just another ordinary pervert who probably wasn’t breast fed. At least Newt’s staffers met with the press and gave a statement before they quit – Weiner’s people are still hiding behind the drapes hoping no one notices their shoes.
Michelle Bachman…Christ; I can’t even believe this fruit cup is deluded enough to think she can carry her own state of Minnesota. She is the epitome of politicians supported by the tea party clowns; white, ignorant about most everything, dumb as a bag of hammers and a biblical literalist who thinks Jesus is going to be coming back in the next 20 or 30 years. I don’t know about anyone else, but kind of person scares the shit out of me. Why support any kind of reasonable foreign policy if the world is just going to end anyway? And where is China again now? Don’t those people all speak Chinese? If global warming is true it must be god’s will so let’s just go with it. How does one state end up electing her and Al Franken? But the juicy part of today’s story is about her hiring of wiley old Reagan campaigner, Ed Rollins, former mastermind of below the belt tactics, obfuscation and outright lying and a revered figure in the republican party who must have gotten into the peach brandy or the brown acid because he stuffed one foot halfway down his throat on his first day on the job, bitching about Sarah Palin’s fitness for the presidency when she isn’t even running. Smooth move, Ed. Piss off the queen bitch of the party and someone who – god help me for saying this – can influence lots of people to vote for her chosen candidate if she decides to take the money and go work on her tan somewhere next year.
Finally, speaking of Bitch Queens, we come to the fiercest one of all, Satan in pumps, Ann Coulter. I’ll say this for her; she doesn’t pussy foot around with niceties and inconvenient forays into reality. Fuck that. She is a foul, loathsome, stranger to the truth but she isn’t one for air kisses and slap fighting. She the person in a fight who stabs you in the nuts and I respect that. I also think she’s a self aggrandizing media whore whose fidelity to her stated guiding principles is suspect and who seems to really dig being the person that fat old republican guys with lots of nose hair jerk off to when they are not too busy reading Field and Stream. Her whole, “Liberals are evil, hateful, lazy, un-American, fuzzy thinking minority lovers” schtick is tiresome in the extreme but she’s nothing if not determined to find kindred souls among the Hate-Obama Tea Party knuckleheads and I wish her all the best and I hope she becomes a prominent member of Mitt Romeny’s campaign.
I’ll try to write about something lighter tomorrow…
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