Now in the center ring, for your amusement, eight performing elephants...

Despite the feisty and spirited republican presidential candidate debate last night, most of the participants reminded me of non-swimmers trying desperately to reach a proffered life ring in deep water; lots of splashing and gasping for breath but very little moving towards survival.  So while the nations eyes are turned hopefully towards Iowa – and when has that phrase ever been uttered – waiting and watching as the stout citizens of Ames gather under garishly decorated tents, scarf free ice cream and – incredibly – decide which of the current field of candidates can proceed to the next step, let’s have a quick review for those of you who chose to watch the finals of “So You Think You Can Dance” rather than the trumped up spectacle of the Faux News arranged and orchestrated performance.

And that, by the way, was the first sign that this was not going to be a serious event.  Anytime the barkers and carnies of the Faux network are involved it immediately becomes deeply suspect.   Drunk on the success of American Idol and shows about the morbidly obese struggling to lose weight, the Faux News production of this “debate” was predictably garish, superficial and over the top, rife with stage-managed controversy propagated by blockheads, Chris Wallace and Brett Baier.  These guys were clearly more interested in generating some kind of buzz and “pull-your-pants-down” publicity than seriously exploring the nuanced positions of the candidates…wait, did I just say that?  I forgot for a moment that this was a republican debate – detailed and serious exploration of nuanced positions isn’t allowed.  If they were to do that, a crowd of tri-cornered hat-wearing ruffians would likely appear in front of their homes or offices shouting and making farting sounds.

So it boiled down to, 1.) Obama is a chump who is bent on destroying the American way of life, 2.) a series of less than fully articulated but nonetheless multipoint plans for fixing the economy, most of which involved “cutting taxes” and “reducing regulation” and which, like a handful of magic beans, promised to immediately produce wondrous results for us all.  Call me a cynic, but, well…let’s just say, I doubt it.  But content aside – and there wasn’t a hell of lot to begin with – let’s get down the inevitable media game of “Who won?” 

Herman Cain, never a serious candidate to begin with, is pretty much done and his continuing in the race is really a function of how much of his pizza money he wants to piss away to prove the point that it is legitimate for an African American to run as a republican, a quixotic quest to be sure, as the day the republican party embraces African Americans is looming somewhere off in the far distance, like landing a man on Mars.  Sorry Herman but I’m just keepin’ it real.   A sizable percentage of the opposition to Obama is because he’s African American and it wouldn’t matter if he came around personally handing out hundred dollar bills.

Rick Santorum kept raising his hand like the obnoxious smart kid in the back of the class room and his old colleague and fellow Faux News shill, Chris Wallace, kept ignoring him.  When he does get a chance his obsession with moral issues trumps anything sensible he has to say about anything else and makes him seem more like your pastor than your president.  He’s also done.  Memo to Rick – railing about gay marriage may seem like a good idea to your closeted handlers but really, that ship has sailed.  Nobody gives a shit, probably not even most people in Iowa. 

Jon Huntsman, a normal, successful, intelligent guy who is, sadly, kind of little and also kind of Mormon, seems to still be a bit uncomfortable with the X’s and O’s of this whole candidacy thing and seems to shrink on stage every time the lights are focused on him.  The guy is intellectually capable of governing but it’s not clear if he has the stomach for the hyper-schizoid scrutiny involved in modern national campaigning and by Halloween he will be back in Utah on his dirt bike with Black Sabbath cranked to 11 on his iPod wondering why he thought this was a good idea.

Ron Paul is, in some ways, my favorite in his libertarian leanings. He also makes a lot of sense in his advocacy of reeling in our perceived foreign policy interests and obligations in favor of taking care of our own citizens before trying to teach goat-herding villagers in Afghanistan how to double down on a pair of sixes or order cheap jewelry from late-night cable TV.  Unfortunately for Paul, he is saddled with a prevailing media burden that he is some kind of semi-disturbed quack, so far outside the realistic boundaries of orthodoxy that no one takes him seriously.  Thus, he can’t win even though he has a cult following and a very intense constituency.  He will stick it out and should continue to try to get the field grounded in something substantial but he will fail in the end.  Maybe Rand can prevail at some point.

Newt Gingrich continues to give off a vibe of someone who really isn’t very interested and he probably isn’t.  He is loaded, has a trophy wife and probably prefers sailing the Med with a good, dry Bombay Sapphire martini and a handful of cialis.  He’ll hang in a while, gathering enough material for another book, and then surface somewhere as an “expert commentator” or elder statesman, making provocative and delirious statements and throwing his opinion around like it’s god’s own truth and end up on a game show or something. 

Pawlenty seems like a decent guy, although a little too prone to go wherever the wind blows, but he can’t seem to get over the fact that the Red Queen is also running and it just seems to piss him off.  He is obsessed with trying to prove what a nut-cup she is, as if anyone who cares doesn’t already know that.   But other than that he seems like an empty suit.  Most of the time when he’s speaking I get the impression that his audience hears him like Charlie Brown’s teacher and is just waiting for him to finish so they can get to someone interesting.   If he can ever forget about Lady Macbeth and get some traction he has a puncher’s chance but if the money dries up he’s out by Labor Day.

This leaves the aforementioned Red Queen and Mitt “don’t I remind you of Reagan?” Romney.  I'm not sure what else I can say about Bachman - she is an attractive, dangerous, bible obsessed serial liar, deeply immersed in an almost psychedelic delusion with a frightening prescription for what she thinks this country is and what it should be.  She is a know-nothing with strong beliefs and as such continues a long line of prominent republicans, with a gestation in the reign of Ronald Reagan, that somehow still bedevils the cultural and political landscape of this country.  She is inexplicable.  She also can't win - she can be a very disturbing pain in the ass, but she can't win.

Romney himself was doing the rope-a-dope last night as he has been for months, a questionable strategy long term and one which reveals that he and his people either underestimate the opposition or are a bit too comfortable with his lead in the polls.  On the other hand, given the gravitas of the group running against him, playing prevent defense has its merits.  Until Perry announces he can hope that either the others fade away or Bachman’s head explodes or both and really nobody laid a glove on him last night so why should he get his hair mussed up if he doesn’t have to.   It will be interesting when Perry does announce to get them both on the same stage so we can judge who has the best hair.   Until then I am left with the existential question; Barack, how in the hell are you losing to these guys?