17,000 people with nothing better to do turned out on a warm humid summer day yesterday to vote for their favorite republican candidate for president and 4,800 of them picked Michele Bachman, an Iowa native who has spent months spreading a rich layer of manure and giving sleeve jobs to fellow evangelicals from one corner of this heartland state to another. With her heady mixture of salt of the earth prairie roots, biblical hallucinations and a crusader’s divine hubris, her drive to rid Washington DC of the heretics who currently occupy it obviously resonated with the state fair folks straight out of American Gothic. Given the effort she expended it’s no surprise that she finished first, a couple of hundred votes ahead of Ron Paul, a man with an impressive organization and a diligent and focused group of supporters. Unfortunately for both of them, they can’t win.
As was the case in 2007, when Mike Huck-a-ster won, the Iowa straw poll is meaningless for all practical purposes and much more apt to start to clear the field of pretenders than pick a winner. But to hear Bachman leading her mini cheering section after the results were announced you’d think she and her husband, Marcus “no, I’m not gay” Bachman were picking out the White House curtains. Hey, Norma Desmond; you’re nuts and the 30% of the country that will vote for you are nuts too. They’re bitter, ignorant, misguided haters sitting around drinking cheap whiskey waiting for Jesus to come back and you and Rick “god finally told me to” Perry can fight over them all the way to the convention.
In case you missed it, Rick announced he was running, surprising only Sarah Palin, who was quoted as saying something like, “I was surprised because a while ago he said he wasn’t going to run.” Yeah, the flip-flopper; how dare he change his mind and screw up your cockamamie bus tour. You ought to know this better than anyone; when god decides to pick you as a candidate, you damn well better hop to and get yer spurs on because he’s not fooling around. Unfortunately for Palin, her low-rent fifteen minutes of fame are winding down. This isn’t high school; playing hard to get doesn’t just get you a reputation as a cock tease, it ends up with you standing by your locker while the new girls get all the attention. The short attention span American voting public – at least the ones who populate republican caucuses and straw polls – is smitten with the new girls. And since you seem to want attention more than actual elected office, you’re going to end up forgotten and utterly irrelevant by Thanksgiving.
Speaking of the new kid in town, Rick got kind of wound up during his speech announcing that he was joining the current field of eight munchkins; he blamed Obama for pretty much everything but the Asian sex slave trade, trans-fat, and spandex bicycle pants on the middle aged. He might as well have screeched, “Off with his head!!!!!!” I would love to have one of the half-wit drones “moderating” one of the debates to ask them this simple question: “If you had been elected president in 2008, with the conditions exactly the same as Obama found them, what would you have done? Would you have continued the TARP program begun under Bush? Would you have bailed out the auto industry? Would you have done the stimulus differently? Not at all? Explain it to us without resorting to saying, ‘Well I would have cut taxes’”
But Rick standing on the stage with Bachman should make the next debate interesting. I’m only half kidding when I say it wouldn’t surprise me if someone starting speaking in tongues.
As for Obama, I read today that he and his aides are “considering whether the White House should adopt a more combative stance” Jesus, Barack; you think? You’ve got the big stick and all you’ve done for two and a half years is roll over and hope someone rubs your belly. Of course you need to be more combative! What the hell have you been thinking ? This isn’t Chicago’s ninth ward and you’re not trying to work with slum lords or set up a farmers’ market. You need to get out and get on the stump and tell the god damn truth; set a tone, take control of the debate. You’ve let these assholes convince the country that reducing the deficit is the answer to all of their problems when it is the last thing anyone should be worried about. And not only have they hijacked the conversation, you let them do it by advocating cutting, cutting, only cutting. Playing along with this ridiculous fairy story while 10% of the country can't find a job is the most sackless thing you and your minions could have done. Until the average Joe realizes that these treacherous fuckers are the ones stealing him blind, he’s going to continue to blame you.
And you might point out to everyone that Rick Perry’s snake- handling hokum of a “Day of Prayer” is not only a pointless waste of time and a publicity stunt on a grand scale, it is the transparent act of a hypocrite and carnival barker in snakeskin boots. The last thing this country needs is another empty headed bumpkin trying to prove how big his dick is with a bible in one hand and six-shooter in the other. Man up, Mr. President…
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