It appears there are two currents in play when looking at the republican presidential candidates; the “electability” contingent, who favor Mitt Romney, even as he attracts disdain and contempt from many of the party’s king-makers, and those who, in a determined fury of self destruction, have doubled down on crazy again after being seduced, first by Michele Bachman, then Rick “Is that leather thing the saddle?” Perry and most recently by Herman “Hey, nice tits” Cain. Now after another bracing debate, overflowing with empty rhetorical flourishes and idiotic policy statements, it appears that Newt Gingrich is on deck and ready for his turn in the spotlight.
Preparing for the next debate, which will focus on foreign policy, Mitt Romney spent some time this week sharpening his pencil and trying to prove how big his dick is, lambasting Obama for molly-coddling Iran and thus betraying our only friend in the region, Israel. Mitt then revealed his preferred policy towards Iran, which was composed of “tougher sanctions” - in concert with allies if possible but unilateral if necessary - and parking an aircraft carrier in the Red Sea or Eastern Mediterranean. Bold talk, for sure. And we all know that Ahmandinejad is a total push over for saber rattling, posturing and empty threats so that just might work. But since our exports to Iran in 2011 have a year-to-date value of 167 million dollars and our imports $700,000, the unilateral sanctions thing may not be that scary. As a matter of fact, ironically our chief imports from Iran are fruits and nuts and since we seem to have a current surplus, I am thinking these would not be missed.
Maybe he’s thinking if we cut them off from the goods we are shipping to them, they’ll come around to our way of thinking and stop trying to build those nasty nukes in which they seem so interested. Possibly…but; U.S. exports to Iran — including brassieres, bull semen, cosmetics and possibly even weapons — grew more than tenfold during President Bush's years in office even as he accused Iran of nuclear ambitions and helping terrorists. America sent more cigarettes to Iran, at least $158 million worth under Bush, than any other products. (Current TV)
Hmmmm…brassieres, bull semen and cigarettes…I can see Ahmandinejad and his merry band of mullahs sitting around the conference table in a stinking, smoke-filled room debating whether or not nicely filled out burkas and Marlboros are worth more than developing the bomb. Not sure we can make that work, Mitt. You know what pussies the Frenchies are with those sissy god damn Gauloises. And lingerie – I mean they would be all over that too. No, I’ve always thought that the best way to make peace is to give everyone the chance to buy over-priced blue jeans and snowmobiles so the whole “tougher sanctions” thing may be an illusion.
Of course starting wars is something the republicans seem to favor and be good at; not as good at finishing them for some reason though. George the Elder and George the Lesser both thought arming Iran to the teeth was a swell idea in the past, even while calling them evil swine and making weird faces at them. Now running for office against a president who has decided a little calm and thoughtful conversation would be a welcome alternative, Romney and the rest of these clowns – and Santorum in particular – are relentlessly taking shots at him for being a softy and a bleeding heart, weak and ineffective and a sissy bitch. You’d think ten years of grim death and horror in Iraq would resonate with these people but instead we get another dick measuring contest, with all of them trying to out-tough the other until it sounds like November 15, 2012 will be fucking doomsday and make Bachman happy after all.
The state of the world and the Mid-East in particular has rarely been more complex; revolution roils the entire region leaving countries with virtually no tradition of democracy struggling to find their footing and move forward out of the 16th century and into the 21st in the course of 6 months. Israel meanwhile continues to do its damnedest to undermine any peaceful resolution of the Palestinian issue with willy-nilly settlement construction and a general belligerence as their prevailing diplomatic posture. And our newly liberated vassal state of Iraq will doubtlessly struggle to hold together any semblance of unity after ten years of bitter occupation preceded by a thousand years of tribal hatred. Oh, and then there’s China…
Know-it-all chumps like Romney haven’t gotten their hair mussed up doing anything remotely as complicated and dangerous as directing US foreign policy and yet they stand in front of adoring but ignorant crowds mouthing platitudes and blather, looking for all the world as if they could solve everything if we’ll just give them a chance and get rid of that awful, awful negro.
Santorum wants to start bombing Iran his first day in office. Bachman is waiting for Jesus to come back so she doesn’t give a shit what happens. Gingrich is half as smart as he appears to think he is but is a blowhard at heart and would spend the entire four years trying to get someone to return his phone calls. Perry is a dumb ass who thinks Texas is already a country because they play country music. The only one who makes any sense is Ron Paul but he also wants the government to be reduced to a bunch of guys who get together for drinks a couple times a year and play rock, paper, and scissors to decide who’s in charge.
The next debate will be interesting only in so far as it will reveal who is most naïve about our place in the world and not coincidentally, least qualified to lead us there. Stay tuned and make sure your helmet is strapped on tight.
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