Generous Republican gifts for the New Year...

It being the holiday season – and since I have been especially good this last year – I guess I shouldn’t be surprised to be receiving generous and thoughtful gifts, but really; the universe is kind of going overboard and my stocking is overflowing.  Just look at what the new year has brought in the way of presents:

First, the Iowa caucuses took place the other day and it was like Santa’s bag fell out of the sleigh on his way home to the North Pole.  Rick Santorum came out of nowhere to tie Mr. Foregone Conclusion, Mitt Romney, and provide enough juicy head banging and republican establishment angst to last until Valentine’s Day at least.  Rick earnest and delusional vision for an America based on his personal religious fixation has struck a chord with voters eager for a “family values” candidate who can form linear thoughts and has at least a veneer of sincerity and for the moment, Rick is that guy.  In their zeal to find someone to whom they can desperately cling, these poor souls can be forgiven for overlooking the unsettling specter of jackbooted government agents criminalizing impure thoughts and imprudent and vaguely sexual activities – the drugs will wear off soon and everyone will come to their senses, although a persistent throbbing and occasional hallucinations are likely until after the Florida primary.

Another gift came in the form of the deliciously ironic humiliation of a couple of back fence favorites, Michele Bachman and Rick “Which Carolina is it again?” Perry.  Both Michele and Rick have had a turn as the un-Mitt flavor of the month and, clearly intoxicated by the experience, thought they actually had a chance to win the nomination.   Perry and Bachman found out - as ex-Senator Santorum is likely to soon discover - that subsisting on evangelical fervor is a lot like having peanut M&M’s for breakfast every morning; you get a sharp acceleration of energy from it but you end up falling asleep by 11:30 AM.  Michele threw in the towel almost immediately, thanking the good people of Iowa for providing her with a level of insight she and her campaign staff had been lacking since her first sugar buzz – winning the Iowa straw poll in August, an event that only served to highlight the pointless irrelevance of having a bunch of “voters” who would otherwise be wandering the county fair amped up on cotton candy sit sweating in a tent listening to garbled speeches in the heat of the day.  “Here’s my vote now let me get the fuck out of here…”

Perry decided to press on to South Carolina, a decision that came to him while he was running to clear his head in the aftermath of his 10% debacle.  I’m not sure if something fell on him out there or what; it’s more likely that the big money Texas clowns who thought he was a good candidate to begin with called his cell phone and convinced him that his stumbling, insincerity will play well there and that he should give it one more try.  If Santorum gets 20% of the New Hampshire vote Perry might as well call it a year because even brain-dead evangelical voters prefer a winner to a dimwitted loser like him.  It’s over, Rick.

The last gift from Iowa was the snarling, sarcastic speech given by Newt Gingrich after he dug his way out of the house that collapsed on top of him and doomed him as surely as the Wicked Witch of the East.  Newt sounded like his head was going to explode any minute. He stopped at the airport Bev-mo to stock up on vodka and took the first charter to Concord, where he displayed his fury by rolling out a full page ad calling Mitt a “moderate”!  Whoa, Newt…take it easy on the guy.  Newt has a puncher’s chance Tuesday because there are a couple of debates scheduled before the primary voting and those events work in his favor; Romney comes off as a hip Ward Cleaver and Newt always sounds like he at least thinks he’s the smartest guy in the room.  While this contrast is ultimately meaningless as a practical matter, debates have done much to shape the narrative so far and every politician alive lives with the nightmarish image of Dick Nixon’s sweating upper lip.  If Gingrich survives to go to South Carolina he will have a chance to piss on Romney’s shoes until March.  Thank you, Santa.

Finally we come to the gift I just unwrapped this morning; the twin images of John Boner and Bitch McConnell trembling with apoplexy over Obama’s recess appointment of Richard Cordray to the new financial oversight agency and filling three positions on the National Labor Relations Board.  The opportunistic candidates in New Hampshire also got all stirred up about these appointments, as one might expect, and used them to throw partisan stones at Obama – no surprise there.  But it was the sight of both the republican congressional leaders red-faced with righteous indignation that was such a welcome gift.   Their sputtering speeches were masterpieces of right wing wrath, condemning Obama so vehemently that birds fell dead out of nearby trees.   Never mind that Bush the Dull had used twice as many recess appointments at this same point in his terrible reign; Obama the hateful socialist negro, the anti-Christ, had struck again, determined to drive us to ruin.  The hypocrisy is hilarious; the bug-eyed but impotent anger is even funnier.  Suck on it, fellas…howzat taste? 

And now, as a gift to you, the loyal readers of BL, I present this snippet of gibberish from newly crowned Anti-Mitt, Rick Santorum, trying to explain why reasonable people should vote for him:

"I can tell you, you may not agree with me on every issue, and I suspect you don't," Santorum said as an attempt to win over the votes of the people in the room on Wednesday, several of whom told The Huffington Post they were considering backing Romney. "But what you know is that I agree with me on every issue."