Today we get the cheery holiday news that Obama the Sack-less and Harry Reid the Spine-less have hurriedly back peddled and capitulated once again in the face of standard republican opposition to any whiff of tax increases on income over $1,000,000 – the legendary “job creators” of myth and legend. If it wasn’t such an obvious pile of horseshit and a virtually indefensible position for the republicans, I might understand better a little compromise in the interest of smooth governance. But Boner and the Bastards don’t care a thing about smooth governance – only making Obama look bad. And he continues to let them off the hook. Barack, they don’t appreciate it when you untie one hand; they just use it to stab you again. When are you going to learn that?
I also have been struck by the virtual silence from the republicans regarding the formal end of the Iraq War, an occasion sure to have been overflowing with jingoist, blustery rhetoric had they been in the White House when it happened. As it is, only the semi-deranged John McCain had anything to say about it and he got into positions usually seen only at Cirque du Soleil when trying to comment for the record today. All the treasonous chicken hawks of the party who are usually the first ones to belligerently posture and threaten had nothing to say for fear that it might be seen as inadvertently bolstering Obama and they can’t bring themselves to croak out any words that might imply that he did something with which they actually agree. No, McCain and those conservative who do dare to open their yaps about Iraq inevitably start with hand-wringing, brow-furrowed, tight-lipped statements about how we’ll rue the day we abandoned “the Iraqi people” as if they give a shit about them, and bemoaning our leaving a void that will be filled by extremists and people who hate us – mostly swarthy, foreign looking men with evil thoughts and hatred of our freedom and also of One Hour Martinizing and two-story Toyota dealerships.
Never mind that the Iraqis want us to get the hell out and leave them alone, mostly. These guys are too busy trying to figure out how to continue to jam the square peg of capitalist democracy into the round hole of 1,000 years of tribalism, KFC franchises be damned. You know John, it’s pretty likely that things will get a bit dicey from time to time over there and they may have some rough moments, (I give you American history from 1860-1865; ask Newt about it). But at some point it’s none of our god damn business anymore and we just have to give them the keys, say a little prayer and go have a cocktail.
Probably the least helpful thing is to treat an extremely important, expensive, ghastly-stupid bit of foreign policy like some cheap political weapon and not take it for the profound teaching moment it should surely be. Now that I mention it though, maybe that is the natural way of things with you guys in this day and age; everything is fodder for the canon of political expediency and a bludgeon to use against the other party. There was a day when there was a loyal opposition in this country but that ship has sailed and is over the horizon. We can only hope it doesn’t fall off the edge of the earth that – consistent with your party’s world view – is believed to lie straight ahead. It’s right there by the edge of Adam and Eve’s place, you know, where Noah had to take that long detour to get all the animals to the Peking Zoo.
As I write this, the frenzied elephant heard is gathered nervously on a brightly lit stage somewhere, answering another stream of inane questions and pontificating incoherently while the whole world watches to see if The Nutty Professor can stifle his normal impulse to lash out at anyone who criticizes him or implies that they’re smarter than him or questions him on any of his myriad inconsistencies. Newt has a problem analogous to the pretty shooting stars one often see flaming across the night sky in a dramatic and ultimately short lived bit of theater. He has made a lot of noise and he has accomplished the rather unremarkable feat of appearing to be sensible and intelligent amongst the nimrods and delusional fauna around him, attracting a lot of empty headed media attention in the way they are wont to do. But when the most prominent conservative voices in the country - voices who, while just as delusional on some level, are widely respected and even admired grudgingly by the left – when they almost universally treat you with contempt and disdain and insult you on national television, you probably should be able to recognize that you have issues that go beyond your hyper-inflated ego and multiple marriages. Hell, Newt, I thought Mitt was the Mormon.
But like most things that are superficially attractive – like Kim Kardashian, for example – it doesn’t take too long to figure out that, while it may sound like fun to be hitting that, after a couple of times your mind wanders and you find yourself thinking about your new car and ask for the ring back. From your blowhard-in-chief demeanor and haughty attitude of unironic conceit, to your wacky ideas about living on the moon or on the ocean floor, you’re scary, flat out. Throw in what appears to be your ignorant contempt for 200 years of constitutional governance and it’s really no surprise that your star is flaming out as fast as it ascended.
The scariest part is the marriage of your wounded Napoleon complex to matters of national security.
This gives rise to vision of the Weimar Republic, and not in a good way. What other judicial decisions would you choose to ignore? Roe v Wade, perhaps…maybe the Voting Rights Act…? Sorry bud but a pompous blowhard with delusions of grandeur is not really a winning formula for running the country right now. On the bright side for you, I am sure this whole experience will sell some books – you have, like, 30 of them, right? And it will make for scintillating pillow talk for you and Calista, right? Start the fire, get a pitcher of kamkazis and revisit the glory days of 2011 while you rub her back…? C’mon now…
“I knew all along that Cain was a meathead.”
“Oh, Newtie…(sigh)”
Yeah, that sounds about right. You can be sure that your flaming out will disappoint the Obama team, who are probably still trying to get over their good fortune so far and giggling about the Hobsons’s Choice you guys are giving republican voters.
“Mitt…” “Hahahahahahahah…”
“No, Newt….” “Ahahahahahahahahah”
“(Snort)…Bachman…” Ahahahahahahahahaah…stop it man, you’re killing me…”
I admit I’ll tune in tomorrow to see who the pundits favor and wait for the inevitable wave of garbled opinion about winners and losers. Turns out that you’re all losers…that’s the best part of all.
Merry Christmas,
Mr. B. Labrador…
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